the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
