You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
