so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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