allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
