So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
