I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
