What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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