told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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