Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
