When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
