I got chris browned last night
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i drank out of a bidet.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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