I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
