So drunk its hurt
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
