I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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