Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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