im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
