Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
