I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
