The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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