So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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