k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
