I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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