he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
pray to the hookup gods
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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