He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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