I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So here I am, sexting at work.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
