life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I could make wine with my vomit
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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