my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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