drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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