theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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