WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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