Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
