I cannot find my penis.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize