I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
