i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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