When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
