there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My ass is underappreciated
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
