I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
