im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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