You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
