R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
