just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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