i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.