Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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