Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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