i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
