i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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