My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Say something about gay babies.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
