Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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