3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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