Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
