just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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