dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
a search helicopter?!
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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