You just made me feel so damn special
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
