There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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