O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I am full of burrito and curiosity
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?