I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.