allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
