Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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