Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
