i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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