I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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