i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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