i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can I color on your dick again?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
